My Friends,

 

Cold and raw is how you would describe the weather for the Bears game against the Titans. It could also be used to describe the effort when the Bears had the ball. Take your pick.

 

Commanding an offense that usually progressed about as effectively as a marble rolling up a sheet of glass, the former King Rex had a live screen test for the rest of his NFL career yesterday, and if the filmed resumé he produced is any indication he should be applying for extended unemployment benefits in about eighteen months. Or maybe he can use any money he has left over from his last contract extension to form a 6’-and-under professional league.

 

That seems like the only road left to football success for the Bears’ most recent Super Bowl quarterback, who Duke said looked like he needed a periscope to see down field. Unfortunately for Grossman you can’t teach height, and watching sideline passes launched over the Titans’ mammoth defensive line continually sail out of bounds you get an inkling why a QB Lovie Smith loves in those 7-on-7 spa camp drills can’t transfer that performance over to gameday.

 

The field position he was stuck with most of the afternoon didn’t help, but Grossman didn’t do himself any favors by directing nine straight drives that ended in eight punts and an interception, amassing a paltry four first downs in the process. It’s tough to turn the field around when you can’t even move the ball out of the shadow of your own goalposts. And that was on a cloudy day.

 

Special teams were anything but, with Devin Hester continuing his season-long funk in the return game, Brad Maynard wasting his leg when the clock wasn’t running and Robbie Gould getting his only field goal attempt blocked.

 

Although he managed to hold onto the ball, Hester called for a fair catch with nobody within ten yards on one punt and couldn’t make the first guy miss on another with twenty yards of open field just beyond. On the latter, it didn’t help that Trumaine McBride never got a hand on the flyer, but doesn’t Hester get paid the Big Bucks in part because of his alleged elusiveness?

 

Meanwhile, Maynard looked like the second coming of Ray Guy during pregame and halftime warm-ups, repeatedly bombing punts high and deep. But when the clock started and the game was on the line, Booming Brad could only manage 31.3 yards for his eight efforts, doing his part to contribute to the offense’s long, uphill slog.

 

As far as the defense goes, my hat’s off to Lance Briggs, who is the only guy earning the fat contract he recently signed. Let’s also give the defense credit for the one thing they did extremely well – stop the run. Holding what was the top-ranked rushing offense in the AFC to 20 yards on the ground was no small feat, but we really should put that accomplishment into perspective. When Prince Ogunleye finally deigned to earn a bit of his weekly Miser tithing and brought down Kerry Collins attempting to pass late in the fourth quarter, it was the first time in 137 tries over the Bears’ last three losses that anybody on the Bears had done so. Up until that point the defense (sans Briggs) was sackless. So why would any coach worth his game plan choose to run when he could have his quarterback set up a lawn chair and wait for a receiver to come free?

 

But that’s only part of it. Here’s a simple equation that should be carved into whiteboard in Bob Babich’s office:

 

Time + Cushion = Disaster

 

The coverless-2 defense of Bunky Bob and Lovie the Enabler often sent five or six defenders after the quarterback, only to watch Collins throw to whichever receiver the Bears were playing furthest off. It doesn’t take a genius to know that a little jam at the line of scrimmage makes the pass rush a split-second better, but evidently all that money the Bears spent last year on their cornerbacks didn’t include knocking a receiver off his route. I guess Jerry Angelo misunderstood Old Man Halas’ bylaws when he wrote, “Never pay for press coverage.”

 

Sadly, Bunky Bob has neutered our once-proud defense.

 

So it’s on to the land beyond the cheddar curtain and packer week, where an offense that literally couldn’t get out of its own endzone twice yesterday awaits. That their defense managed three interceptions that turned into 17 points and they added seven more on a punt return should not escape the attention of Lovie Smith and his staff, who would be wise to think twice before letting Rex grind the reverse gear once more. Kyle Orton wasted no time letting the other press coverage know that he’ll be ready to go next Sunday, and if I’m Lovie I take him at his word, medical staff be damned, especially since there’s gas in the car.

 

Yes, perhaps to add insult to injury, those of us who are lucky enough to have a regular seat at the lakefront exercise in futility can look forward to a visit from the postman in the near future that will include a dunning from 1000 Football Drive. It’s November, and with the Bears somehow still holding on to a piece of first place you can bet the cover is being removed, the tyres (the Miser’s family has tyres, not tires) are being pressured, and the postage affixed to the envelopes, no doubt with one of the 30,000 or so “Forever” stamps Ginny requisitioned before the most recent postal rate increase. The Vista Cruiser will soon roll, containing the invoice for playoff tickets that may never be used (be sure to check the box if you want a refund!).

 

Even if they are, you can be sure it’ll be on the Wild Card weekend of January 3-4, because if the Bears somehow manage to hold onto the division lead those early-season giveaways to the Panthers, Falcons and Bucs make a bye week a pipe dream.

 

Or is that a tailpipe? Does anybody have a spare garden hose?

 

LBF

11/10/2008